Selfish or not Selfish?

I was going to post this as a blog on another site, but then I figured it might be better over here (where less people who know me in person would read it). So here is a new post about some drama in my life ;).

I have been having a dilemma lately and I thought I'd at least post what I was thinking about it, even though I might not reach a resolution before things are over. Maybe someone (*ahem*) may post a response to this or something. I don't know who will read this, and I don't want to offend anyone with this post but I just have conflicting interests and I need extra opinions.

So here is my dilemma:

I am a good person, in general. I try to be charitable in doing community service. I am a good friend, or at least I try to be. Whenever asked to participate in something I try to make it, on time. I am pretty flexible when it comes to tasks and usually put myself out for other people. This has put me back, in some situations, I have had to give up some things to be "there" for my friends. Not all groups of my friends are like this, but there are some that are like this. I put myself out for other people, I really have been trying to live my life for other people, or at least I think I do. I help people with resumes, encourage them to take the summer and explore career options, tell people to apply for scholarships, I would like to think I mentor a few individuals. I try to be cheerful, even when I am depressed sometimes because I do not know if that is the only smile someone will see today and when they smile back it gives me some hope.

Well, I know this is going to sound so selfish (hence the title of the post), but some of you know I am getting married. I have seen at least 4 showers for other people pass me by and people do not even think for a passing moment about mine. I am not asking for anything big, heck some friends of mine are planning an outing because that is what I described to them that I wanted. But I really have no idea what I want anymore. There is a part of me that wants people to get together, play a few games in my honor, even if there are no presents. I know that when most people think of showers they think about presents, but that is not what I want. I mean, of course I want some presents, I wouldn't have made a registry if I didn't want anything, but I don't want people to stress out over getting me something or putting something together that would be bigger than their budget. It wouldn't even cost any money (consider that certain things can be borrowed and decorations can even be made, as I have made decorations for other showers), you could have some key people bring some snacks and just invite people and boom, there's a shower.

I just feel kind of neglected in the entire situation because no one wants to put themselves out for me. I know, it sounds selfish doesn't it? Or at least that's why I am posting this blog. I feel like the guiltiest person in the entire world for wanting a shower, because it represents all that I am against. I don't want people to go and buy me presents, I never ask for anything for my birthdays (even the very important 21st) or Christmas or anything. I usually am the first to give gifts and expect nothing in return. But whenever this concern comes up with someone else, somewhat removed from the situation, they say it is a natural thing to want a shower.

Well, the semester is almost over and I do not know if I'll ever see some of the people who are my friends at school. I can't even invite half the people I want to invite because the list is only so long and we already have many more people than we wanted to invite (it grew from 20 to 250). You try to cut down your list of friends and family to 125 and see how far you get. There are just some people who are not going to get invited and that's a fact of life. I feel bad but those are the sorts of people that get invited to showers, at least that was my understanding. Now they will never be included in my "joy" and/or "bliss" of getting married.

Sometimes I think about this situation and fear that, and this is just a passing thought I know that this is technically false but I can't help but think this, no one cares enough to go through the trouble of throwing a shower for me and coordinating people together. I know that my fiance's mom had a shower for his cousin (wedding in May) and she got about 8 people together to be co-hostesses. Some of the hostesses pretty much brought food trays, which was kind of cool. I was a hostess for that and the attention was on her the entire time, which was a little hard to stomach mostly because I kept on thinking about when my shower (which was not in the works and is still not in the works) was going to happen.

So I think now you can see how I feel like the most guilty and selfish person in the entire world. Maybe this post is supposed to resolve how I feel about the entire situation, maybe I just need to get it out there for other people to read and see what they say. Maybe I won't get a shower or the situation will resolve itself. I cannot predict the future and I cannot tell whether or not people will make up for it later. I imagine I would feel really crappy if I did not have at least 1 shower and I got married without feeling like my friends supported me. This is not to say that having a shower is the only way I can feel like my friends support me, and maybe I am reverting back to older ways of thinking when I say that communities raise people and that showers were a way that communities showed the girl that she was ready and had the town's blessing. But I will say that this situation has certainly made me feel bad.

Please post thoughts and opinions as I am in need of guidance here.