Free Writing

What follows are some reflections on quotes I came across today.

I not only use all the brains that I have, but all that I can borrow. Woodrow Wilson

I think this is true of me. I am very innovative and tend to ask people for help in their area of expertise. Everyone has a gift, right? Part of mine involves working with people and getting people to work together towards a common goal. Sometime in the future I hope for this common goal to be to help me with my dissertation, having a nice committee that won't quarrel, etc., but who knows?

Time is what we want most, but what we use worst. William Penn

Unfortunately, this is also so true about me. At the beginning of the semester I try to schedule time in for this and that. For the first part of the term, I am really good at keeping my schedule too. But there comes a point when I start missing out on the things I was supposed to keep track of (like working on my topology and research paper). I can get back on track, but it usually involves doing something drastic, and at this point I have no idea what that drastic thing happens to be (I know this involves the wedding plans, but I am not sure where/how I can get help).

Everyone is good and bad at both of those things. I have my moments when I am on top of the world with asking people for help, but then I also have my moments when I really need help and have not asked for it. Maybe I need to delegate out some tasks regarding the catering and photography. All I do is worry about these things and it distracts from my studies. I know I could do better with my courses (I am almost on top of my readings most of the time). But there comes this question, in my mind, what would happen if I gave my school committments all I had? What if I really did give 100% to my school stuff? I give 100% to tutoring, why can I do this for other people and not for myself?

I push really hard, I know I am hard on myself when I fail. But why do I allow myself to fail in areas where I know I can do better? Or is this the "hard on myself" part of me talking? What would happen if I found out I was mediocre? Would that really be all that bad? Ok, maybe for me it would be. I have never thought of myself as mediocre and I do not think I will start right now. I do not think that anyone really thinks of themselves as average all-around. Everyone has their talents and I have to have mine. Maybe mine is making friends, is that really all that bad?

In our society today, there are many divisions I could draw upon to separate people but I will choose this one, there are business-minded people and non-business-minded people. Well, actually, I will say there are people who are ok with the business mind-set and those who are against the business mind-set. There was one individual whom I met that I would say is against the business mind-set model.

This person thinks that networking, making friends in my instance, promotes the idea that math should turn into a who-you-know instead of what-you-know type of field. In conversations with this person I never once said that who you know is more important than knowing the subject area. I think most reasonable mathematicians can tell good math from bad math. If I was at a lecture about, let's say, the P/NP problem I think that most of the people who knew a bit of math could tell whether or not the person giving the lecture really knew what they were talking about.

If I was doing "bad" math, I think my professors would tell me. I will admit that none of my research is extremely prize-worthy, but it is worth some sort of mention and I have grown a lot from my experiences with research. I know that making conjectures is not always easy. Proving things is hard. Research takes a lot of work and dedication, and researching math is really fun (for me, right now). I may not say these things 10 years from now, but I believe them now.

I am not saying that I am doing "good" math either though. I know my stuff is not at the level that some other individuals, actual mathematicians, do research. I have to go to school for years before I can realistically dedicate enough time and energy and brain power to the field. I do not know enough to really tackle some of those great million dollar problems. But I do know enough to look at small things, and for a little while I can puff myself up and feel important and knowledgeable about taking some valid directions with some of my research problems.

I will never be a Paul Erdos, my mathematical idol, but I may never give up aspiring to be like him and to do math like him. I may never spend 18 hours every day working on math and refuse to go to the doctor because it takes away from my research. I may never be world-reknown for my research and for proving X amount of theorems (when X is a really large number). I may never get there, but I can always try and I can always keep on going - and I can always learn.

Would it kill me to go for a MS in Math before I try to go for a Ph.D. - no. I think it would increase my mathematical confidence (which I lack very much right now) and allow me to really immerse myself in math before I move on. I also think it would bring down my stress levels and really allow me to study for the Math Subject GRE before I take it again. I would also get a little more time to concentrate a little on teaching (because I will be teaching 2 sections of math every semester), which is what I ultimately want to do.

Is it possible I could get into a Ph.D. program somewhere? Probably. Will I continue applying to Ph.D. programs? I have no idea. This has been on the top of my mind for months now and since I have gotten my Subject Test scores I have been in a slump. I don't know what will happen, but I am certain that I will keep on going. With determination like mine, I have nothing to lose by getting a masters, I am sure of that now.