Fear of Failure

Who wants to fail? I mean, seriously - who *wants* to fail a class?

Sometimes I wonder this about my students. There are those that show up every single day and will only miss in the case of a real emergency, turn in all the homework, do ok on the quizzes and pretty average on the tests - they will pass on to the next course. Then there are those who have spotty attendance, turn in some homework and do pretty badly on all the exams and near the final they wonder why they are not going to pass.

I realize that I have given 2 very blanket characterizations of students, but to your surprise I am (for once) not talking about my own students.

Yes, I am talking about myself. I had a class this term that became the back-burner for everything else. Well, when I think about it I think this happened with 2 of my courses - and I was only taking 3! My personal life has, yet again, become the center of my universe. The divorce is almost complete, I got the papers from the lawyer but she saves everything as a .docx (stupid Microsoft Vista... grrr...) so I will need to convert the file before I do anything. My second job has been completed, it really was a kind of contract work, so now (at the end of the first week of finals) I am able to really concentrate on my coursework... too little too late for Analysis. So I am expecting a failing grade in this course.

Now, I know this is my fault. Especially since somewhere in the semester I adopted an awful phrase to comment on how useless/idiotic/stupid I felt when it came to Analysis.

Although I cannot take my own advice, I always tell my students that attitude has almost just as much to do with success as ability when it comes to mathematics. When you go in with the attitude that a lot of work can have a really good pay-off then almost any problem can be tackled (or at least for the level my students are at and even the level I am at). So, what is the problem?

For students that put anything personal in front of academics there is a big problem. How can you effectively work on mathematics when your mind is elsewhere? Unless you are doing (and this is totally subjective according to the problem-solver) mindless problems then you cannot expect a good result from spending "hours" studying if you are not really there mentally.

In effect, earlier in the semester I was afraid of failing because I had never really failed myself like this. But the strict deadline I had for myself and the timeline I was looking at was unrealistic for my life circumstances. I need time to process all of the things that have gone on in my life and time to really develop my life the way I want it to be. I need time to grow up.

Does it seem a little ridiculous for someone who was married to ask for time to grow up? I do not think so. Sometimes we do rush into decisions. We make the best decision with the time and resources available to us. For me, it was the best decision at the time I made it with the information I had. But, I do not have to justify my decision to anyone except for myself.

Currently, I had been banging my head against the wall trying to do more than I realistically could get done in any reasonable amount of time. I over-booked myself to deal with my pain. I couldn't break down and cry for days at a time if I always had things to do. This is my coping mechanism - being busy. But I don't always have to be busy with things that will burn me out.

I am going to take things easy next semester, drop down to 2 classes instead of taking 3 and really take things at a good pace. This will give me time to look over the material carefully, really plan things out well for myself and see where things end up. I *might* stay at 3 classes and take an undergraduate analysis class so that I can really do well in the analysis class the 2nd time around (sigh), but I will decide on all of that in January.

Hopefully I will be able to update more during the winter break on what is going on in my life but since I am visiting my dad and he does not have a computer (or even the internet) then we will have to see.

Before I was afraid of failure, now I welcome it as a time for change for myself. I need to change the way I do things and this is the right time to do that. I need this for me. I guess, in many ways, I needed to fail.